The XMen Present: the Master Thief
by TheBlueFoxtrot A Samba
Summary: A parody of the fairytale, the Master Thief. And who better to play the thief than the Ragin' Cajun himself? This follows Chellerbelle's format and I have her permission. Surprise Surprise, it's a ROMY


**I do not own the X Men or the Master Thief.**

There once was a man who was a husbandman. He had three sons, Remy, Scott, and Lance, –

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"I refuse to be related to either of these two delinquents!" Scott stubbornly crossed his arms.

Remy and Lance glanced at each other. Then they held out their arms.

"Brother!"

**Don't even sweat it, Scotty. You won't be related very long…**

"Why don't I like the sound of that?" he wondered.

"Why do I like that he doesn't like the sound of that?" Lance wondered.

"'Cause it sounds like he's gonna get screwed and you hate him?" Remy offered.

Lance considered it a moment then nodded, "Sounds about right."

**But Scotty doesn't know, oh! Scotty doesn't know-oh! So don't tell Scotty! Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know. So don't tell Scotty! Ahem…my brother made me watch that movie.**

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but no property of his own to give to them and no way for them to make a living. So he gave them his blessings to leave and go wherever they like and pursue whatever profession they liked best. That very day, Logan, for that was the father's name, accompanied his three boys part of the way until they came to a place where the roads met.

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Logan glared the three boys and spoke around the cigar in his mouth.

"I don't claim any of you."

"Aw,but, Dad!" Lance mock-whined.

Remy shot him a look.

"Homme, just no. That's too weird."

"Yeah, it kinda was."

"What don't I know?" Scott asked.

"A lot," the other three answered.

"Like how to stop being so incredibly annoying," Lance suggested.

Logan grunted his agreement.

"Or how to pull that pole out your butt," Remy said.

"Or –" Scott cut him off.

"OK! I get it."

**No, you really don't.**

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There the three took their own way, their father bid them farewell and returned to his own home again. On Lance's journey did not take him far, only to the next town. There he was able to find work with the blacksmith and managed to court the waitress at the local inn, Miss Katherine.

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Lance smiled at Kitty and winked at her, causing her to blush and giggle. Logan rolled his eyes and snorted in disgust, Scott glared, and Remy wasn't paying the least bit attention and did a card trick.

**Great, now I'm interrupting myself for unimportant, non-amusing reasons.**

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The other son, Scott, traveled a little farther than his brother before his journey ended. He came to a little college seeking respite. The beautiful red haired woman bid him to enter so that they may dine together. As he ate he became very tired and the woman had him lie down in the guest room. As he slept, the woman crept into the room and cut off his head, catching his blood in a basin. For she was a shape-shifting witch and needed the blood of young men to maintain her spell.

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Lance and Remy were on the ground laughing, Logan smirked, and Raven looked very pleased with herself.

Scott glared up at the sky with his hands on hips, "There are no words to describe how much I hate these things."

"Best –story- ever!" Lance gasped.

**The actual story doesn't say what happens to the other two brothers. I just made those up. One version doesn't even have brothers.**

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The last son, Remy, went farther than the others, traveling far and wide. One night while roaming through the woods, a terrible storm came on. He lost his way and after wandering farther into the wood, he found a large house with lights burning brightly through the window so he went inside and there was an old woman busy about some work.

"Bonjour, Madam," said Remy.

"Hello, child."

"'S terrible weather ou'side t'night. Can I sleep here and have shelter fo' de night?"

"It wouldn't be good for you to sleep here,' said the old hag, `for if the people of the house come home and find you, they will kill both you and me."

"Wha' kind o' people are they?"

"Oh! robbers, and rabble of that sort," said the old woman; "they stole me away when I was little, and I have had to keep house for them ever since."

"Hm. I still think I will go to bed all de same. No matter what happens, I ain't goin' out t'night in weather such as dis."

"Do as you please but it will be the worse for you if you stay."

Remy lay down in a bed which stood near, but didn't dare go to sleep. It was a good thing too, for the robbers came and the old woman told them of the stranger in their home and that she hadn't been able to get him to leave. The robbers began to mutter to each other about what they should do with him, whether to murder him, or what else they should do. In the meantime, Remy go up and began to talk to them, and ask them if they would like a manservant.

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"You are without a doubt one crazy Cajun," Logan looked at him with amazement.

"You just propositioned yourself to a bunch of murdering bandits!" Lance said.

Remy shrugged,

"'S not so different from how Remy grew up."

"Literally in a den of thieves," Scott said.

Remy sent him a glare.

"Tha' was a terrible pun."

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"Very well," said they, "if you have a mind to take to the trade that we follow, you may have a place here."

"'S all de same to me what trade I follow," said Remy, "for when I came away from home mon pere gave me leave t' take to any trade I fancied.'

"Have you a fancy for stealing, then?" said the robbers.

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Everyone looked to where Remy was rolling on the ground laughing.

Scott rolled his eyes, "Yes, yes, it's very ironic."

"It is pretty funny," Lance chuckled.

"Oh, ow! Oh, have mercy!"

**Are you done?**

"Wait, wait," he sat up with his head in his hands. Then he took a deep breath tried to keep a straight face. "'M okay."

**All right then. Let's –**

He snickered.

**Get on with it. **

"Best story ever."

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"Oui, I s'pose so," said Remy, for he thought that was a trade which would not take long to learn.

Not very far off there dwelt a man who had three oxen, one of which he was to take to the town to sell. The robbers had heard of this, so they told the youth that if he were able to steal the ox from him on the way, without his knowing, and without doing him any harm, he should have leave to be their servant-man. So the youth set off, taking with him a pretty shoe with a silver buckle that was lying about in the house. He put this in the road by which the man must go with his ox, and then went into the wood and hid himself under a bush. When the man came up he at once saw the shoe.

"That's a fine shoe," said Duncan, "If I had the pair to it, I would take it home and give it to my wife. Perhaps it would put her in good humor."

For he had a wife name Taryn who was so cross and ill-tempered that the time between the beatings she gave him was very short. But then he thought to himself that he could do nothing with one shoe if he had not the fellow to it, so he journeyed onwards and let it lie where it was. Then Remy picked up the shoe and hurried ran through the wood as fast as he was able, to get in front of the man, and put the shoe in the road before him again.

When the man came with the ox and saw the shoe, he felt quite stupid as to leave the fellow to it lying where it was, instead of bringing it on with him.

"I will just run back again and fetch it now," he said to himself, "and then I shall take back a pair of good shoes to the old woman, and she may perhaps throw a kind word to me for once."

So he went and searched and searched for the other shoe for a long, long time, but no shoe was to be found, and at last he was forced to go back with the one which he had.

In the meantime Remy had taken the ox and gone off with it. When Duncan got there and found that his ox was gone, he began to cry, for he was afraid that when his old woman got to know she would be the death of him. But all at once it came into his head to go home and get the other ox, and drive it to the town, and take good care that his old wife knew nothing about it. So he did this; he went home and took the ox without his wife's knowing about it, and went on his way to the town with it. But the robbers, they knew it well, because they kept a spy on the farmhouse. So they told the youth that if he could take this ox also without the man knowing anything about it, and without hurting him, he should then be equal with them.

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"Y'know, I actually think dat would work on dat boy," Remy nodded.

"I have to agree with you on that one," Scott conceded.

"You're right," Lance agreed.

"I can't believe those three actually agreed on something," Raven shook her head in amazement.

"When it comes to the stupidity of Duncan, it's a universal truth," Logan nodded sagely.

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"D'accord," said the youth, thinking that it would not be very hard to do.

This time Remy took with him a rope and put it under his arms and tied himself up to a tree, which hung over the road that Duncan would have to take. So Duncan came with his ox, and when he saw the body hanging there he felt a little queer.

"What a hard lot yours must have been to make you hang yourself!" said he. "Ah, well! You may hang there for me; I can't breathe life into you again."

So on he went with his ox. Then Remy sprang down from the tree, ran by a short cut and got before him, and once more hung himself up on a tree in the road before the man.

"How I should like to know if you really were so sick at heart that you hanged yourself there, or if it is only witchcraft that's before me!' said the man. "Ah, well! You may hang there for me, whether this be magic or not," and on he went with his ox.

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"He felt a little queer," Lance snickered.

"Really? Only a little?" Remy wondered.

"Why is he doing so well with his lines?" Scott questioned.

**Oh, he wasn't as cooperative at first. But we had a…meeting of the minds.**

"You're a telepath?"

**No. Nothing like that. Let's just say he sees the benefit of doin' things my way and the consequences of goin' against me. Why are you talkin' anyway? You don't have a head.**

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Once more, Remy did just as he had done twice already; jumped down from the tree, took a short cut, and again hanged himself in the very middle of the road before Duncan.

But when he once more saw this he said to himself, "What a bad business this is! Can they all have been so heavy, hearted that they have all three hanged themselves? No, I can't believe that it is anything but witchcraft! But I will know the truth," he said; "if the two others are still hanging there it is true but if they are not it's nothing else but witchcraft."

So he tied up the ox and went back to see if the bodies were still hanging. Of course, Remy took the ox and Duncan did not find the bodies. After he wept and raged, he went back to get his third cow and sell it without telling his wife. The robbers knew and told Remy that if he could get this ox as well, then he would be master of the whole troop. So Remy went out into the wood when Duncan was coming along and began to bellow loudly, just like a great ox. When the man heard that he was very glad because he thought that he recognized the voice of his big bullock, and thought that now he should find both of them again. He tied up the third, and ran away off the road to look for them in the wood. While he was gone, Remy went away with the third ox. When the man returned and found that he had lost that too, he fell into such a terrible rage. He wept and lamented and did not dare go home for feared that his wife would kill him outright.

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"I don't even know where to begin," Remy threw his hands up in the air.

"I know right. How stupid he is, the fact that his wife beats the crap outta him, he's an idiot, what a punk moron he is. Seriously? Three times?" Lance was in disbelief.

"I bet if he had a fourth ox, he'd do it again," Scott said.

"How much?"

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The robbers were not pleased because they were forced by their own word to make young Remy the leader of them all. One day they decided to all leave on a mission that would require all but him. After they'd been gone some time, he drove the oxen out and they returned to Duncan. Then he brought out all of the horses and loaded them up with the most valuable things he could find – gold, silver, jewels, magnificent clothes and other grand things. Then he told the old woman to greet the robbers for him and tell them that he'd gone away and that they would have a hard time finding him again, with that he drove the horses out of the courtyard.

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"This boy," Remy grinned, "got style."

**And the story ain't halfway over.**

"It gets better?

**For you? Oh, yeah.**

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After his long journey, Remy came very near his home. When it was in sight, he put on a fine suit of clothes and drove the horses into the yard with a great pomp and show. He entered the house and asked if he could find lodging there.

His father denied him saying that he could not possibly house such a great gentleman as himself., not recognizing him to be his own son.

"You were always a hard man," Remy smiled at him. "And hard you are still if you refuse to let your own son come into your house."

"Are you my son?" his father asked. Then he recognized him and said, "But what trade have you taken to that has made you such a great man in such a short time?"

Remy shrugged. "You said that I do anythin' I liked, so I apprenticed myself to some thieves and robbers. Now I have served my time and have become maître voleur."

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"For shame, Wolvie, for not knowin' one o' ya own," Remy scolded him.

Logan snatched the cigar out of his mouth and looked directly at Remy.

"Do you want me to stab you?"

"Not really."

"Then don't talk to me."

"But I have t' talk t' ya in order t' do dis thing."

"Except for then. But I might stab you anyway."

"The father-son these two got goin' is just amazing," Lance said.

**Seriously, why is there no sarcasm font?**

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Now the Governor of the province lived by his father's cottage, and this Governor had such a large house and so much money that he did not even know how much it was, and he had a beautiful, intelligent daughter, but she was far more independent than normal and refused to marry unless she approved of the man. Her mother and father agreed to this for they did not refuse their daughter anything. Remy determined to have her as his bride and asked his father if the girl was betrothed or had a suitor.

"No, no suitor. She has turned them all away. The girl has very particular taste in men."

"Really? I s'pose a girl that fine can afford to do so. I believe I shall woo and marry her."

"I think you must be crazy," said the man, "for you can't be in your senses if you think of anything so foolish."

"Perhaps," said Remy.

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"Just who is dis girl?"

"Who else would it be, Cajun?" Rogue scowled at him.

"Chere! 'M so glad you're here!"

He dropped down to his knees and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Let me go!"

"Never."

"Rogue, you know you totally love him," Kitty rolled her eyes.

"Oh, I really think you should reconsider that, Gumbo," Logan growled.

"I agree," Raven glared.

Lance gasped.

"Do you realize that they agreed on something?"

"And you and Scott did it already. These are, like, the end times."

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The Master Thief, dressed in his stolen finery, rode to Governor Magnus's estate on the finest stallion. Remy asked the Governor for permission to wed his daughter. When he asked Remy what his profession was, he replied,

"I am a Master Thief."

"A master, eh? Daughter, do you hear this man?" the Governor called to his daughter who studied the man from the doorway. "What say you?"

"I say, Thief, that I require proof of your 'mastery'," Rogue strolled towards Remy, hands on hips. "If you can steal the rack of lamb from out of the kitchen while all of the servants are watching, I might concede to marrying you," she stopped right in front of him. The thief took one of her hands, bowed over it, and kissed it.

"I do believe dat should be easy enough t' do."

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"Dis definitely be one o' de better o' dese things," Remy said.

**Oh, for sure. I had to tweak it a bit for you, what with you bein' my third favorite.**

"Third?" Remy asked.

**Deadpool, Rogue, then you.**

Lance snickered.

"Quoi?"

"You're under Deadpool," Rogue laughed along with him.

Remy smirked at her.

"I didn't know ya were into dat kinda thing, Roguey," he flipped a strand of her hair.

She rolled her eyes and moved away from him.

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So he set himself to work to catch three hares alive, put them in a bag, clad himself in some old rags so that he looked so poor and wretched that it was quite pitiable to see him, and in this guise on Sunday forenoon he sneaked into the passage with his bag, like any beggar boy. All of the servants and the Governor were in the kitchen below and the rest of the family awaited the meal upstairs entertaining themselves. While they were doing this, the thief let on of the hares slip out of the bag and set off in the yard. The people in the kitchen saw the hare and wanted to go out and catch it.

"Oh, let it go," said Governor Magnus. "There's no use to think of catching it when it's running away."

It was not long before Remy let another hare out, and the people in the kitchen saw this too, and thought that it was the same. So again they wanted to go out and catch it, but the governor again told them that it was of no use to try.

Very soon afterwards, however, Remy let slip the third hare, and it set off and ran round and round the courtyard. The people in the kitchen saw this too, and believed that it was still the same hare that was running about, so they wanted to go out and catch it.

"It's a remarkably fine hare!" said the governor. "Come and let us see if we can get hold of it. So out he went, and the others with him, and away went the hare, and they after it, in real earnest.

In the meantime, however, the Master Thief took the joint and ran off with it, and he and his father had a very fine meal that day. It just so happened that Rogue looked out the window and saw the servants running about the yard. She quickly rushed down into the kitchen and discovered the roast gone. They never did catch any of those hares. At noon came the Priest, and when the Governor had told him of the trick played by the Master Thief there was no end to the ridicule he cast on the Governor.

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"I would never fall for such a stupid trick," Magnus fumed.

"Oh, of course you wouldn't," Raven rolled her eyes.

"Ha," Logan outright scoffed.

"Just what is that supposed to mean?" Magnus asked.

"Well, you say you wouldn't fall for a trick, but I'm pretty sure you were the one who destroyed that key to Apocalypse's tomb."

"He's right, Magsy," Remy nodded as he looped an arm around Rogue's waist and pulled her firmly to his side, ignoring her protests.

"I never liked you."

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"For my part," said the Priest, "I can't imagine myself being made a fool of by such a fellow as that!"

"Well, I advise you to be careful," said Rogue, defending her father, "for he may do the same to you."

But the Priest repeated what he had said, and mocked the Governor for having allowed himself to be made such a fool of.

Later in the afternoon the Master Thief came and wanted to have the Governor's daughter as he had been promised.

"I made no promise," said Rogue, "I said might. I think another test of skill is in order for what you did today wasn't all that impressive. Perhaps you could play a really good trick on the Priest? For he is sitting inside and calling my father a fool for how he acted earlier."

"Well, it wouldn't be very hard to do that," said the Master Thief. He bowed and quickly kissed Rogue on the cheek before he left.

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"Omigosh!" Kitty squealed.

Logan growled. Raven glared disapprovingly as did Scott. When she saw she was doing the same thing as him, she scowled in disgust. Lance was indifferent. Magneto was still huffy about looking like an idiot.

"You just- I –how- wha?" a blushing Rogue sputtered.

Remy smirked.

"Oui, I did kiss you," Remy smirked. "I know ya liked it. I did by allowin' mon powers t' produce a heavier charge since it's always comin' out through my skin anyway so you'd absorb dat instead," he smiled at her. "I've been thinkin' 'bout it fo' a while."

Rogue continued to gape at him a moment. Then she said, "I did not like it!"

"Denial," Lance rolled his eyes.

"He says all that and that's, like, all she hears," Kitty threw up her arms.

"Well, I approve of her denial," said Raven. Rogue sent her a glare, grabbed Remy's arm and put it around her shoulder. Remy grinned like an idiot.

"Je'taime parental rebellion."

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So he dressed himself up like a bird, and threw a great white sheet over himself; broke off a goose's wings, and set them on his back; and in this attire climbed into a great maple tree which stood in the Priest's garden. So when the Priest returned home in the evening Remy began to cry, "Father Kelly! Father Kelly!" for the Priest was called Father Kelly.

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"It's Principal Kelly!" Lance said.

"Please tell me somethin' terrible happens to him?" Rogue pleaded.

"Ya want me t' blow him up for ya, cherie?"

**He's gonna wish all ya did was blow him by the time you're done**

"Who is calling me?" said the Priest.

"I am an angel sent t' announce t' thee dat because of thy piety thou shal' be taken away alive into heaven," said the Master Thief, remarkably keeping a straight face. "Wil' thou hold thyself in readiness t' travel away next Monday night? For then will I come and fetch thee, and bear thee away with me in a bag, and thou must lay all thy gold and silver, and whatsoever thou may 'st possess of dis world's wealth, in a heap in thy best parlour."

So Father Kelly fell down on his knees before the 'angel' and thanked him, and the following Sunday he preached a farewell sermon, and gave out that an angel had come down into the large maple tree in his garden, and had announced to him that, because of his righteousness, he should be taken up alive into heaven, and as he thus preached and told them this everyone in the church, old or young, wept.

On Monday night the Master Thief once more came as an angel, and before the Priest was put into the sack he fell on his knees and thanked him; but no sooner was the Priest safely inside it than the Master Thief began to drag him away over stocks and stones.

"Ow! Ow!" cried the Priest in the sack. "Where are you taking me?"

"Dis de way t' heaven. De way t' heaven ain't an easy one," said the Master Thief, and dragged him along till he all but killed him.

At last he flung him into the Governor's goose-house, and the geese began to hiss and peck at him, till he felt more dead than alive.

"Ow! Youch! Agh! Where am I now?" asked Father Kelly.

"Now you are in purgatory," said the Master Thief, and off he went and took the gold and the silver and all the precious things which the Priest had laid together in his best parlour.

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Trying to keep a straight face, Rogue looked at a grinning Remy, "You're goin' straight to Hell."

"'M damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't," he chuckled as he spun a silver bracelet around his finger. "Besides, 'S just Principal Kelly."

"Yeah," "That's true," "He's gotta point," everyone conceded except for Lance who was on his hands and knees crying from laughter. "I can't breathe!"

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Next morning, when the goose-girl came to let out the geese, she heard the Priest bemoaning himself as he lay in the sack in the goose-house.

"Holy crap! Who are you and what are you doing to my geese?" said Tabby, for that was her name.

"Oh," said the Priest, "if you are an angel from heaven do let me out and let me go back to earth again, for no place was ever so bad as this - the little fiends nip me so with their tongs."

"I am no angel," said the girl, and helped the Priest out of the sack.

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"Do I have to?" Tabby whined. "I was thinking of throwin' a couple cherry bombs in with him."

**No, Tabby, no this time.**

"So you're saying 'maybe next time?'"

**If it will get you to move on, then sure.**

Tabby laughed hysterically

Lance looked up at the sky. "We're all gonna get blown up."

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"I only look after the Governor's geese, that's what I do, and they are the little fiends which have pinched your reverence."

"This is the Master Thief's doing! Oh, my gold and my silver and my best clothes!" shrieked the Priest, and, wild with rage, he ran home so fast that Tabby thought he had suddenly gone mad.

When the Governor learned what had happened to the Priest he laughed till he nearly killed himself, and it pleased the daughter very much. However, when the Master Thief came and wanted to have his daughter according to promise, she listened from just the other room while her father gave him nothing but fine words, and said as his daughter had told him, "You must give me one more proof of your skill, so that I can really judge of your worth. I have twelve horses in my stable, and I will put twelve stable boys in it, one on each horse. If you are clever enough to steal the horses from under them, I will see what I can do for you."

"What you set me to do can be done," said the Master Thief, "but am I certain to get your daughter when it is?"

"Yes, if you can do that I will do my best to convince my daughter you are a suitable match," said Governor Magnus.

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"Aw, are ya shy, Roguey?"

"Don't call me Roguey."

"Oui, ma chere."

"I'm not your dear, Swamp Rat."

"Bien sur. You're mon River Rat."

"I hate you," she crossed her arms stubbornly and turned away from him.

"You adore me," he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her back to his chest.

"I do not!" she struggled against him.

"'S alright 'cause je'taime aussi."

She scoffed and calmed down her struggling. Then she turned her head towards him.

"Really?"

He kissed her on the lips.

"I really want to kill him now," Logan said. "Do I get to kill anyone in this story?"

Raven was playing with a knife while she glared at the two southerners who were still lip-locked. Lance and Kitty were sitting and watching the goings-on, and who really cares where Scott went.

**Um, I think you and Raven should go…anywhere else for a while.**

"Don't you trust us?" Raven smiled. Lightning flashed somewhere off in the distance.

**I wouldn't trust y'all with green eggs and ham in a box with a fox.**

The two violent people glanced at each other.

**Shut up**

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So the Master Thief went to a shop, and bought enough brandy to fill two pocket flasks, and he put a sleeping drink into one of these, but into the other he poured brandy only. Then he engaged eleven men to hide that night behind the Governor's stable. After this, by fair words and good payment, he borrowed a ragged gown and a jerkin from an aged woman, and then, with a staff in his hand and a poke on his back, he hobbled off as evening came on towards the Governor's stable. The stable boys were just watering the horses for the night, and it was quite as much as they could do to attend to that.

"What are you doing here?" one of them said to the 'old woman'.

'She' went on about the cold weather and all the aches and pains it caused 'her' poor bones to be out in such weather. 'She' asked their leave to sit a while just inside the barn door. One immediately refused, but another lad, feeling sorry for the 'old' creature, said that 'she' could do no harm to anyone and allowed 'her' to sit. As the night wore on, it grew colder and the stable lads shivered from the cold, bemoaning if only they had a little something to warm themselves.

The thief made a bit of commotion as he drew out the flask filled with only brandy and drank it with a great gulp.

"What's that in your flask, old woman?" asked one of the boys.

"Only a drop of brandy."

"Brandy! What! Let me have a drop! Let me have a drop!" screamed all the twelve at once.

"Oh, but what I have is so little," whimpered the 'old woman'. "It will not even wet your mouths."

But they were determined to have it, and there was nothing to be done but give it; so 'she' took out the flask with the sleeping drink and put it to the lips of the first of them; and now 'she' shook no more, but guided the flask so that each of them got just as much as he ought, and the twelfth had not done drinking before the first was already sitting snoring. Then the Master Thief flung off his beggar's rags, and took one stable boy after the other and gently set him astride on the partitions which divided the stalls, and then he called his eleven men who were waiting outside, and they rode off with the Governor's horses.

In the morning when the Governor came to look after his stable boys they were just beginning to come to again. They were driving their spurs into the partition till the splinters flew about, and some of the boys fell off, and some still hung on and sat looking like fools. "Ah, well," said the Governor, "it is easy to see who has been here; but what a worthless set of fellows you must be to sit here and let the Master Thief steal the horses from under you!" And they all got a beating for not having kept watch better.

Later in the day the Master Thief came and related what he had done, and wanted to have the Governor's daughter as had been promised. But the Governor gave him a hundred dollars, and said that he must do something that was better still.

"Do you think you can steal my horse from under me when I am out riding on it?" said he.

"Well, it might be done," said Remy with no little amount of impatience, "if I were absolutely certain that I should get your daughter,"

So the Governor said that he would see what he could do, and then he said that on a certain day he would ride out to a great common where they drilled the soldiers.

The daughter would have consented, having decided that after the thief's feats, he was quite earnest in his intentions for her and that she quite liked him. However, her father was more than amused by these performances and equally frustrated that the thief managed to best them each time. After he had left, Rogue found a single red rose on her bed and easily guessed who it was from.

**

* * *

**

"That is, like, so sweet," Kitty sighed. "Lance, why don't you do things like that?"

"So you want a stalker, suicidal thief as a boyfriend?"

"Hey!" Rogue cried.

"Not you, Logan," Lance corrected.

"Ya forgot 'Master'," Remy said. "'Master thief'."

"Oh, hush," she kissed him.

"What happened to Raven and Logan?" Magnus asked.

**Don't ask me that.**

**

* * *

**

Afterwards the Master Thief immediately got hold of an old worn-out mare, and set himself to work to make a collar for it of green withies and branches of broom; bought a shabby old cart and a great cask, and then he told a poor old beggar woman that he would give her ten dollars if she would get into the cask and keep her mouth wide- open beneath the tap-hole, into which he was going to stick his finger. No harm should happen to her, he said; she should only be driven about a little, and if he took his finger out more than once, she should have ten dollars more. Then he dressed himself in rags, dyed himself with soot, and put on a wig and a great beard of goat's hair, so that it was impossible to recognize him, and went to the parade ground, where the Governor had already been riding about a long time.

When the Master Thief got there the mare went along so slowly and quietly that the cart hardly seemed to move from the spot. The mare pulled it a little forward, and then a little back, and then it stopped quite short. Then the mare pulled a little forward again, and it moved with such difficulty that the Governor had not the least idea that this was the Master Thief. He rode straight up to him, and asked if he had seen anyone hiding anywhere about in a wood that was close by.

"No"' said the man, "that have I not."

"Listen you," said the Governor. "If you will ride into that wood, and search it carefully to see if you can light upon a fellow who is hiding in there, you shall have the loan of my horse and a good present of money for your trouble."

"'M not sure dat I can do it,' said the man, `for I have t' go t' a wedding wit' dis cask of mead which I have sent t' fetch, and de tap has fallen out on de way, so now I have t' keep my finger in de tap-hole as I drive.'

"Oh, just ride off," insisted the Governor, "and I will look after the cask and the horse too."

So the man said that if he would do that he would go, but he begged the Governor to be very careful to put his finger into the tap-hole the moment he took his out.

So the Governor said that he would do his very best, and the Master Thief got on the Governor's horse.

But time passed, and it grew later and later, and still the man did not come back, and at last the Governor grew so weary of keeping his finger in the tap-hole that he took it out.

"Now I shall have ten dollars more!" cried the old woman inside the cask; so he soon saw what kind of mead it was, and set out homewards. When he had gone a very little way he met his servant bringing him the horse, for the Master Thief had already taken it home.

The following day he went to the Governor and wanted to have his daughter according to promise. But the Governor again put him off with fine words, and only gave him three hundred dollars, saying that he must do one more masterpiece of skill before he should give him his daughter for she was his most precious treasure.

**

* * *

**

Remy looked at Magnus intently.

"What are ya doin'?" Rogue asked.

"'M waitin' for his nose to grow."

"I know right," Tabby and Lance were looking at him too.

"I hate all of you," Magnus stated.

**

* * *

**

"Do you think you can steal the sheet off our bed, and my wife's night-gown?" said the Governor.

"That is by no means impossible," said the Master Thief. "I only wish I could get your daughter as easily."

So late at night the Master Thief went and cut down a thief who was hanging on the gallows, laid him on his own shoulders, and took him away with him. Then he got hold of a long ladder, set it up against the Governor's bedroom window, and climbed up and moved the dead man's head up and down, just as if he were some one who was standing outside and peeping in.

"There's the Master Thief, mother!" said the Governor, nudging his wife. Now I'll just shoot him, that I will!"

**

* * *

**

"WHAT?" Remy yelled.

"Ha!" Tabby cried. "She's gonna get you too."

"I thought you said I was your favorite!"

**You're third and if we all remember how Tabby's story ended.**

"Sabby-tooth died?" Tabby offered.

"So you'll be fine," Rogue kissed him on the cheek.

"Jus' in case," he kissed her on the mouth.

"'Kay, I'm, like, tired of this now," Kitty said.

**

* * *

**

So he took up a rifle which he had laid at his bedside.

"Oh no, you must not do that," said his wife; "you yourself arranged that he was to come here."

"Yes, mother, I will shoot him," said he, and lay there aiming, and then aiming again, for no sooner was the head up and he caught sight of it than it was gone again. At last he got a chance and fired, and the dead body fell with a loud thud to the ground, and down went the Master Thief too, as fast as he could.

"Well," said the Governor, "I certainly am the chief man about here, but people soon begin to talk, and it would be very unpleasant if they were to see this dead body; the best thing that I can do is to go out and bury him.'"

"Just do what you think best, father," said his wife and she rolled over in bed.

So the Governor got up and went downstairs, and as soon as he had gone out through the door, the Master Thief stole in and went straight upstairs to the woman.

"Well, father dear," said she, for she thought it was her husband. "Have you got done already?"

:Oh yes, I only put him into a hole," said he, "and raked a little earth over him; that's all I have been able to do to-night, for it is fearful weather outside. I will bury him better afterwards, but just let me have the sheet to wipe myself with, for he was bleeding, and I have got covered with blood with carrying him."

So she gave him the sheet.

"You will have to let me have your night-gown too," he said, "for I begin to see that the sheet won't be enough."

**

* * *

**

Rogue slapped Remy.

"Ow! Dat hurt, chere!"

"That's the point!"

"Now this is a lot, like, more interesting," Kitty said as she watched Rogue try to kill Remy.

"Oh, yeah. Popcorn?"

Kitty looked to her left confused because Lance was on her right. She saw a man in a red and black costume with a mask pulled up to just his mouth as he shoved popcorn in.

"Who are you?"

"Deadpool, a.k.a. the Merc with Mouth, a.k.a Buchanan Necket. You can call me 'Buck'."

Lance laughed.

"What are you, like, doing here?"

"Are you kidding? Violence, deceit, guns? I live for stuff like this! And didn't you know, this chick loves me."

**Sad but true.**

**

* * *

**

Then she gave him her night-gown, but just then it came into his head that he had forgotten to lock the door, and he was forced to go downstairs and do it before he could lie down in bed again. So off he went with the sheet and the night-gown too.

An hour later the real Governor returned.

"Well, what a time it has taken to lock the house door, father!" said his wife, "and what have you done with the sheet and the night-gown?"

"What do you mean?" asked the Governor.

"Oh, I am asking you what you have done with the night-gown and sheet that you got to wipe the blood off yourself with," said she.

"Good heavens!" said the Governor, "has he actually got the better of me again?"

When day came the Master Thief came too, and wanted to have the Governor's daughter as had been promised, and the Governor dared do not otherwise than give her to him, and much money besides, for he feared that if he did not the Master Thief might steal the very eyes out of his head, and that he himself would be ill spoken of by all men. The Master Thief lived well and happily from that time forth with his lovely bride, and whether he ever stole any more or not I cannot tell you, but if he did it was but for pastime.

**

* * *

**

"Aw, chere, ya can't still be mad at moi for followin' de story," Remy said.

Rogue huffed and turned her back on him.

"Actually, she's pretty good with holding a grudge," Lance said. "She still hasn't talked to Pietro since the thing with the sentinel."

"And have you, like, forgotten the whole Mystique-cliff incident?" Kitty asked.

"Oh, so now I'm an 'incident'?" Raven glared at them.

"I have a few other words for you, but that would up the rating on this," Logan said.

"Jimmy!" Deadpool hugged the shorter man. "You're back! Oh, and your front too!"

"Get. Off."

"Yeah, you're right. It's harder to see the fight that wa…" Deadpool trailed off because when he looked over Remy and Rogue were in a passionate embrace. "Aw, I missed it!"

"Yeah, and Gumbo's gonna be missing his lungs," Logan stalked forward.

"Ooh, sic him!" Deadpool cheered.

"You are, like, so not helping the situation."

"Because the situation is hilarious!"

**I'm just gonna go.**

They continued on with their yelling, arguing, making out then running for his life.

**Right. I had actually proposed this idea to the ever amazing, ridiculously talented, often imitated but never duplicated Chellerbelle. But she's very busy, you see, with her major projects that y'all should check out. I am very impatient and I have decent writing skill so why not? If she wants to do it later, that is totally up to her, as it was anyway. She does it so much better than me so I hope she does.**


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